Boating: Answering mail on status and boat-related topics
The mail has been piling up, so it’s time to answer a few. The majority comes from boaters interested in the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club.” We start with one from a long-time reader and devoted boater, ‘the Pymatuning princess!’
Dear Boat Guy: As a longtime Dead End Canal Yacht Club wannabe, and living in a fair and equal society where nothing is fair or equal, I must protest any non boater or non canal resident should be permitted to belong to such a prestigious organization. Since I now have a cool nickname, I am suffering much less over my ostracism. In the interest of the democratic process, however, I propose you allow outsiders in if they supply the keg and greet members at their docks with sponges and buckets. Make ’em work for it! I can’t imagine the hoards of newbies busting to get in. It will totally change the tone of the group. Think of trying to find appropriate nicknames for all of them!!! Mind boggling! Anyway, if I buy the beer can I be a member? I’m not letting this golden opportunity pass me by. Yours truly, The Pymatuning Princess.
Dear Princess: I would have sworn we inducted you three years ago? I distinctively remember getting you to hold up your right hand and take the double secret oath at Parrot Key Caribbean Grill one happy hour. There were several cheese-heads and your adoring husband in attendance. I dismissed the necessity of a formal induction ceremony since you appeared (sort of) in this column. I thought you had instantly passed the qualification litmus test.
My mistake may have been doing it at happy hour; the noise level is very high. You might have mistaken the brief ceremony for something less important. The only other explanation may be that I failed to collect the initiation fee. In any case, you have been a member since the middle of November 2007, and you owe a lot of back dues.
As far as the question of open enrollment in our “Dead End Canal Yacht Club” we are still studying the subject. We appreciate your input.
Dear boatguy Ed: What gives you the right to act so superior about boating. I am NOT a loyal reader because of your high-minded ways about us new to salt water boaters. Everybody had to start fresh when they came down here. I won’t read your answer because I’m thru! POED from Columbus.
Dear POED: I am truly sorry if I’ve offended you personally. In my defense, I’ve never singled out any region, state or ethnic identity when I criticize the boaters who don’t know the rules of the road. Not to sound high minded but I’d like to point out that in England they drive on the left side of the road unlike here, where we drive on the right side of the road. I think it would be prudent to take a refresher driving course in a country that has the steering wheel on the wrong side of the car and drives on the left.
I hope you see the point because driving in England is akin to boating in unfamiliar waters without the rudimentary skills. In either case, other drivers or boaters might be in danger. The only navigation tool missing on the water is the line down the middle to indicate on which side of the road you need to stay. The GPS manufacturers have solved that problem by introducing a program that shows the road on those little hand-held devices. I think the newly arrived lake boaters need to take a basic navigation course and make themselves, and everyone else, happy.
Dear Column Writer: I can’t afford the gas for my boat anymore. I can’t sell it and the storage fees are eating me up. I saw a news report about a pirate guy who gave his boat to a man whose boat burned up. How did he do that? Signed….Hole in the water poor!
Dear Hole: That was a magnificent gesture on the part of ‘Cutter’ to just give the burned-out boater a boat. The act wasn’t totally magnanimous because ‘Cutter’ was sinking into the same hole as you are as well as a lot of other boaters. Rather than waiting on another fiery disaster, I encourage you to seek a non-profit organization to accept your boat as a donation. I’m not sure of the tax benefits, but I am sure there can’t be a loan on the old boat. Best of luck. Keep those e-mails coming!
Boatguy Ed is a retired bottom paint maker and is currently a volunteer extra on his son’s Boater’s Treasures television show, www.boaterstreasures.com. Send comments to boatguiEd@aol.com