×
×
homepage logo
STORE

Boating: Raising beer prices at meeting or not?

By Staff | Jan 26, 2011

“I move to amend the by-laws,” said Paul from St. Paul, our resident expert on parliamentarian law. “We have to include more non-canal residents in the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club” or face financial ruin.”

You could hear a pin drop or an ant walk, after he dropped that bombshell. Slowly a grumble turned into a rumble from the folding chairs. As is our fashion, we usually speak all at once, therefore no one understands what anyone else is saying.

Commodore Jim gaveled the unruly crowd down by banging his wooden meat tenderizer on the card table. “Silence, silence in the cheap seats,” he cautioned. “If you don’t settle down I’ll suspend the keg privilege!”

Immediately the noise ceased. It was even quieter than after the previous bombshell because no one wanted ‘that’ to happen. “The club officers may speak after Vice-Commodore Paul has made his point. The rest of you members are here out of courtesy. We open this session just so you can sit out of the hot sun and wet your whistles.”

“Since we already allow off-canal social members and on-canal boat-less members, I think we should extend full membership to off-canal boaters. The membership committee has received many requests, and this may be a resolution to the financial crisis we face,” said Paul.

“I think the foundation of this club has been eroded by the wreck-less spending by past administrations and I think that we should cut out all the frills before adopting this radical measure,” said Port Captain, ‘Put’n Bay Pat’. “We should raise the price of beer to fifty cents from a quarter!”

“Horse Patootee,” shouted Treasurer Tracey, “I and my predecessors have warned of impending doom for years, but the spineless club officers of old haven’t heeded our warnings. You can raise the price to five dollars or leave it at a quarter and the revenue would remain constant because only a small fraction of the beer drinkers pay!”

A discombobulated chorus of suggestions arose from the cheap seats only to be gaveled down. The debate continued without resolve. There was nothing else to do but to allow non-canal boater’s the full rights and privileges of membership in the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club.” It wasn’t such a radical change because former canal residents maintained their membership status.

“My only real objection is to those boat club boaters. They aren’t real boaters! They don’t do anything real boaters do like wash and wax or paint the bottoms. No, I will vote against their inclusion until my dying day,” said Fleet Captain Boston Bob.

“I agree, we don’t have anything in common with these faux boaters,” said Cap’n Crunch from the cheap seats. The mighty swift meat tenderizer pounded him into oblivion but he got in a parting shot by saying, “All they care about is getting your GPS coordinates for hot fishing spots.”

“I don’t know if that’s true,” Commodore Jim interjected. “I think every one of us have daydreamed about having a valet put a spotless boat in the water, all filled up and ready to go……”

“Snap out of it man. They throw money away with their membership and never have the joy of working on their own boat. Did you ever have a conversation about the best wax to use or how to clean fish blood out of the vinyl furniture? All you get are blank stares. If we have to include them I think they should be made to go through an initiation. Maybe they could wash and wax one of our boats,” said Port Captain, ‘Put’n Bay Pat.’

The meeting went on until the beer ran out or the individual spouses called us back to our residences. Very little was resolved. But I’ve come up with a brilliant plan, brilliant! We are too close to the subject and need outside opinions to aid us in this monumentos decision. Could you, the readers of this column join in and give us your unbiased opinion? Should we allow non-canal boaters become full member of the “Dead End Canal Yacht Club.” Please e-mail me your valued opinion to, boatguiEd@aol.com. Thank you.

Boatguy Ed is a retired bottom paint maker and is currently a volunteer extra on his son’s Boater’s Treasures television show, www.boaterstreasures.com. Address comments to boatguiEd@aol.com